QB: Legend Brumbaugh – Maryland: He’s never played a down of college football, but the Auburn, Alabama native has an awesome name. If he ever starts, he could become a cult figure.
RB: D’Andre Swift – Georgia: The Bulldogs are known for running backs and Swift is a perfect name for a guy at that position.
RB: Jatarvious Whitlow – Auburn: I think I heard his first name on an episode of Star Trek even though I don’t watch Star Trek. That seems logical, right? OK, well I’ve seen enough Star Trek to know Spock said logical.
RB: British Brooks – North Carolina: I like that the Brits love American Football, too, but this British chap is from Gastonia, North Carolina and has probably never been across the pond.
RB: Chuba Hubbard – Oklahoma State: Could Chuba be short for Chubbard and his real name is Chubbard Hubbard? Na, it’s really Chuba Robert-Shumar Hubbard and he’s a Canadian fella.
RB: Toneil Carter – Texas: Sometimes you just have to wonder what were they thinking and this is one of those times.
RB: Armond Weh-Weh – Arkansas State: The senior has one last chance to star, Weh Weh.
RB: Lanard Fournette – LSU: Schools recruited Lanard Fournette really hard until older brother
Leonard Fournette committed and signed with LSU. Little brother Lanard became a forgotten man, but good for LSU for sticking with him. I just can’t imagine dinner time at the Fournette house and mama trying to keep the name’s Leonard and Lanard apart.
RB: Squally Canada – BYU: Either his mom was a sea faring woman that enjoyed squalls, or she couldn’t spell well and thought she was naming him Squirelly.
RB: Soso Jamabo – UCLA: Soso picked UCLA because of all the Asian girls, but he should have focused on football because his career has been Soso, so far.
WR: Lil’Jordan Humphrey – Texas: Somebody told me that his older brother Big’Jordan had a hand in naming Lil’Jordan. Think that’s true? You know how rumors are. Actually, the real story is his older brother wanted to name him after Michael Jordan and mom settled on Lil’Jordan. Now, that’s the truth.
WR: Jerry Jeudy – Alabama: Jeudy, Jeudy, Jeudy. This guy may be named Jeudy, but he plays like a Julio like in Julio Jones. Well, maybe not quite that well, but he’s really good.
WR: Bryce Musso – Alabama: Not an odd name at all, but he’s supposedly a 3rd cousin to the Alabama great Johnny Musso from the Bear Bryant years. Johnny Musso
WR: Mac Hippenhammer – Penn State: You could walk around for years meeting people and never come across a guy named Hippenhammer.
WR: CeeDee Lamb – Oklahoma: Your last name is Lamb and you name your child CeeDee? Why not Rackof, or Gourmet, or Ground? Well, at least CeeDee is good at football.
WR: Dillon Stoner – Oklahoma State: I’m sure he doesn’t partake, but what a cool name if he did.
WR: Shawn Poindexter – Arizona: He’s a good receiver with great leaping ability and a former volleyball player, so please leave him alone. Poindexter
WR: Mark Quattlebaum – Charlotte: I’m speechless, just speechless.
WR: Jaeger Bull – Rice: He probably mixes Jaegermeister with Red Bull and terrorizes his teammates.
TE: Joey Magnifico – Memphis: Is this the best Italian last name ever? He should go into professional wrestling when he’s done with football. His nickname could be the Mighty Magnifico.
TE: Ceejhay French-Love – Arizona State: Aw, isn’t love grand, especially French Love.
OT: Prince Michael Sammons – Auburn: Look at the bright side, commentators, you don’t have to talk about his siblings. But, take your pick among brothers and sisters Ady, Sophia, Micah, Emma, Izuchukuru, Ikechukuru, Christopher, Chinonoso, Chukwuma, Chibuzor and Ogeehukiou. Is it any wonder I went into another line of work?
OT: Prince Tega Wanogho – Auburn: With so many guys named Prince at Auburn, I
wonder who is the king of that school. Bobby Lowder is long gone and most people will not even understand that.
OT: Will Fries – Penn State: When you are 6-5, 315 you can probably eat your weight in fries. I, for one, am not going to tell him to put down the Fries.
OL: Joshua Alabi – Ohio State: He’s been in trouble so often, they changed his last name to Alabi (Alibi) because he’s always needing one. I’m joking, I’m joking. He’s probably a good kid, but he is 6-5, 305 so you might want to be nice.
OL: Poutasi Poutasi – California: I guess Poutasi is a really good name, it’s so good they call him that twice.
OL: Baer Hunter – Appalachian State: This 290 pounder is so big, he goes bear hunting with a stick.
DE: My-King Johnson – Arizona: Do people come to the Arizona campus and bow before him, or what?
DE: Jack Camper – Michigan State: I wouldn’t mind a defensive lineman that camped in the opponents backfield.
DE: Dougladson Subtyl – Arizona State: What did you just say, Mister? I will not attempt to repeat your name back to you. Can you write it down for me?
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DT: Bo Peek – Stanford: He’s 6-3, 300, I don’t think little Bo Peek works, and I am not playing Peekabo with this monster.
DT: Sincere David – Ole Miss: After football is over, this is a used car salesman if I’ve ever seen one.
DT: Kenny Bigelow Jr – West Virginia: Any relation to Deuce Bigelow? I think not, but he’s been a huge improvement to the Mountaineers defense.
NG: Siulagisipai Fuimaono – California: Heck if I know, why don’t you tell me how to say his name. The big fella is a freshman and hails from Okinawa. He seems to be pretty good as Cal tries this defense thing for the first time in a while.
LB: Big Kat Bryant- Auburn: ‘What do you want to name him?’ ‘I don’t know, what do you want to name him?’ ‘I’m thinking Big Kat, what about you?’ ‘Hey, that’s exactly what I was thinking.’ ‘Let’s just go with Big Kat.’ ‘Big Kat it is, then.’
LB: Tuf Borland – Ohio State: Not a bad name for a linebacker. It’s not Dick Butkus, but it’s pretty darn good. When the going gets Tuf, the Tuf gets going.
LB: Amen Ogbongbemiga – Oklahoma State: I’m saying thanks and amen that his parents didn’t
give him a difficult first name.
LB: Max Chizmar – Penn State: His name isn’t all that great until you consider he’s from Mars. That’s Mars, Pennsylvania.
LB: Thabo Mwaniki – Oklahoma State: I’m surprised that Dabo from Clemson didn’t scoop him up. Thabo should play for Dabo.
LB: Baylon Spector – Clemson: I’m scared of clowns and specters. Combine them and I am just out of here.
LB: Bryce Swackhammer – North Carolina State: Swackhammer? I hope this kid is a great linebacker because he’s got a great linebacker name.
LB: Quondarius Qualls – West Virginia: A back up for the Mountaineers, but you have to admit he’s got a fantastic name.
LB: Zach Sandwisch – West Virginia: I was always threatened with a knuckle sandwich if I got out of hand around the house. Zach will bring the full body Sandwisch from his linebacker position.
LB: Thunder Keck – Stanford: He doesn’t play yet, but hopefully, he will bring the thunder.
CB: Greedy Williams – LSU: I, for one, appreciate his honesty and wouldn’t you want a greedy guy playing cornerback?
CB: Rachad Wildgoose – Wisconsin: With Rachad being from Miami, I’m glad he didn’t lead the Wisconsin coaches on a Wildgoose chase.
DB: Shyheim Carter – Alabama: I’m betting they call him Shy and there’s nothing shy about this guy at all.
DB: Smoke Monday – Auburn: I like to smoke me some Mondays, too. I like Fridays a lot better.
DB: Jazzee Stocker – Pittsburgh: I was always too proud to be a stocker, but if you’ve got to be one at least be a Jazzee one.
DB: Divine Deablo – Virginia Tech: This name confuses me very much. Angel, or devil?
DB: Evan Rambo – California: I don’t know how good he is on the field, but I would not advise trying to chase him in the woods. Just saying.
DB: Hassan Defense – Kansas: I hope his coaches never considered playing him on offense. That would suck being named Defense.
DB: Dicaprio Bootle – Nebraska: I guess his mom had a secret thing for Leonardo DiCaprio?
However, his last name is All Name Team worthy, too.
DB: Trent Wilderbraithwaite – Marshall: Wait, what? Did his family come from the wilds of British Columbia?
P: Blake Gillikin – Penn State: I can’t hear his name without thinking of a group of castaways on some deserted island.
K: Cameron Dicker – Texas: Dicker the kicker. This one’s already getting worn out.
K: Chris Landgrebe – California: I have a feeling his family name was once Landgrab, but out of doing the Politically Correct thing, they changed it to Landgrebe. Now, that’s all speculation on my part.
K: Jet Toner – Stanford: Jet is his middle name, as you might have guessed Laser is his first. Kind of makes me think of Dot Matrix, too.
DS: Sam Walkingstick – Oklahoma State: Could there be a better name for a walk on deep snapper from the state of Oklahoma. Perfect.